Where are the armadillos?

Steve's Texas Adventure, With A Few Other Fools 

Part 2: Comprised of F'real Friday, Fatterday, and Farewell Breakfast

As promised, herein you will find the conclusion of my Texas travels told in the style of a hero's journey (me being the hero obviously). 

As Friday morning came around in good old Arlington, Texas us northerners were reluctant to get up. Marissa's bed is just so cozy. Eventually, we just had to leave the comfort of a warm bed because our stomachs demanded it (just because this entry's title isn't #fat it doesn't mean we didn't want tremendous amounts of food). Because it was already late in the morning we settled on having a nice brunch, consisting mainly of the smoked brisket which had finally finished cooking only 10-15 minutes after we fell asleep the night before. As I have said before, everything is bigger in Texas and brunch is no exception. We had: smoked brisket with special BBQ sauce all the way from Tennessee, corn on the cob, cole slaw, jello salad, corn bread, smoked sausage, fried okra, and baked beans. I made the mistake of saying that I don't like butter on my corn on the cob. Scorned as a heretic by everyone except Shayna (solidarity!) I ate the rest of my brunch in a quiet fear of an attack from those against whom I had sinned. 

Promptly after brunch (well, not quite "prompt") we headed out for a day of shopping before the greatness that was to come that night. Before our spree could begin we headed over to Geema's house for a meet and greet. What an adorable, little old lady! She so nicely took us into her house and chatted with us for about 20 minutes. Once we finished talking with Geema, we were off to immerse ourselves in Texas culture. The first stop: Michael's. It was here that we learned about the infamous mums. In Texas when a guy asks a girl to go to homecoming (a pretty big deal in Tejas) he gives her a mum and she reciprocates. Mums are almost indescribable. The bigger they are, the more popular and liked you are (you're also more likely to wind up with back troubles) and everybody wants big because this is Texas. Take a gander at these photos and try to wrap you head around this completely foreign concept. 

Sometimes Marissa and I are absolutely the cutest. 

To get a better understanding of mums and to continue searching for classic souvenirs, we headed off to Hobby Lobby, land of the crafts. The best find by far was a life sized nativity set (you heard me correctly) that was a mere $6,000 and could only be used indoors. I genuinely cannot think of a more practical purchase. Aside from being all around bigger, Texas is also much more religious. All I know is that a life sized nativity set might clutter a house up. 

On the subject of religion, we made another great find Friday afternoon. Mormons! These two guys were just casually riding their bikes, all set to spread the word of God. They were also all set to have their picture taken by yours truly. 

After a long day of shopping and generally doing nothing, we headed over to the Flying Fish and tried some fried catfish (why not?) and some hush puppies, which surprisingly are not a fish. By this point in time, the maximum capacity of my stomach had been reached so I could only take in about one catfish filet, a hush puppy or two, and a handful of delicious fries. I liked the Flying Fish mainly because it helped me to embrace my inner child by giving out the necessary supplies to color. Ironically enough the animals that we got to color in were of the jungle variety (where were the armadillos?) and included a gorilla and an okapi. 

The Flying Fish is big on the details. 

Now for the good stuff. It's rodeo time. We headed off to Mesquite, Texas for our first rodeo. Honestly, I'm having a hard time putting the experience into words because it was quite the culture shock. Naturally, a plethora of American songs started the evening off, complete with an inspirational video of "American" things that was comprised mainly of military combat shots. Then the show began. Bucking horses, roping cattle, barrel racing, and bull riding were all featured events and all held everyone's attention. Probably the most scarring moment of the night (at least for me) was the child portion of the show. For the entire first half of the rodeo the announcer kept referring to this "Child Dash", which Marissa led us to believe was a race from one side of the arena to the other. Nope. Bunches of kids, no older than 12, lined up and then chased after a couple of calves with a ribbon on their tail. The first to grab a ribbon was a winner. I still shudder thinking back to that moment. The only thing worse than the child endangerment was the complete nonchalance from the other spectators, notably Marissa. She actually couldn't breathe because she was laughing so hard at us (the northerners).

My favorite part of the evening was listening to the announcer and his politically incorrect quotes. Here's a small sampling of his gems: 

• "If you came it with a bad attitude, then build a bridge and get over it."
• "If you ride with two hands, you're a girl and you're disqualified."
• "His daddy was a real bucking horse."
• "I'll tell ya, it's a lot more fun going to a dance with a girl than with a boy."
• "[In reference to the Oklahoma citizens present] Welcome to Texas. God bless you for finally getting to America."
• "The only ugly girl in Texas is a tourist."

Here's the T-shirt than Mama B wanted me to get. I think it really would have matched my eyes, but I unfortunately never got it. 

The only thing I wanted to do after the rodeo was see an armadillo. This is Texas, they should be in abundance. Well, those sneaky little bastards evaded my eyes for the entirety of the trip. We even went down to a park to see if we could catch them doing little armadillo things. All we got were two kids sucking face. That is not what I wanted to see, especially after the horrors I had seen at the rodeo just before. Since the park was a total bust, we decided to sit outside at Marissa's house for a while to observe. Out of nowhere the alarm-adillo went off signaling an approaching armadillo. Actually, it was the just the garage beeping because the door was going to close. #disappointed. Once we were satisfactorily unsatisfied on the armadillo front, we headed into bed. This time there was no horsing around. Enter cuddle party #2.

Saturday morning, after some delicious breakfast pastries native to Eastern Europe (what is culture doing in Texas?) we decided to go to Dallas to take a tour of the JFK museum. Before leaving we got to chatting with Mrs. B about any and everything during which time she informed me that it was a shame that I didn't like girls because Marissa and I are perfect for each other. God, don't I already know it. Marissa may very well be my other half, my soul mate, my beard...but unfortunately for me it isn't enough. (Even if gay men are Marissa's ideal type.)

Somehow we made it to Dallas in one piece, even though Marissa seemed less than sure of how to go. Mrs. B actually spent at least 10 minutes trying to explain to Marissa where one highway was. It was borderline pathetic. Anyway, the Sixth Floor museum is really educational and enjoyable and totally worth the entrance fee. Plus, you can get the touristy photos near the famed Grassy Knoll after you leave the museum. The only thing to do after the museum was make a stop at Sonic and try some tater tots. Woah man they were good.

After some JFK and tots we went to Fort Worth for some Tex Mex food and a night at the world's largest honky tonk (these are not the same place). Dinner, like every meal in Texas, was amazing. We barely made a dent in the dishes with our seven people, but we found out that a 'normal' Texan family could easily wolf down what we had eaten and then some (#fat). It was at dinner that Marissa explained the wonder that is Fatterday. On some Saturdays, you just don't move and eat everything. Though it sounds like quite the lazy day, there is a good deal of planning that goes into it. All movements must be minimized on Fatterday so you must ensure that all the food you could possibly want is purchased/made and within arm's reach. I look forward to embracing this tradition with Marissa frequently next year.

Billy Bob's, the honky tonk. I'm still not sure what exactly a honky tonk is. All I know is that there was smoking, alcohol, a country concert, bull riding, and ladies who enjoyed yelling "Yeehaww". If I thought the rodeo was hard to describe, the honky tonk is impossible. I did find the "Red Neck Margarita Glass" which consists of a mason jar on a stem. I am unable to even. 

On the way home from our night at Billy Bob's, we ran into a hilarious situation. Due to the amount of people in our group, we were broken up into two cars (the BC gang in one, and Mama B and Maya in the other ). We got separated leaving Billy Bob's because is too nice a driver, so I looked up directions on my own. Remember, Marissa is directionally challenged. Suddenly, there was a car behind us beeping like crazy. Being in unknown terrain I told Marissa not to pull over. Who knows what crazy people lurk in Texas? We ended up pulling into the parking lot of a "ood Lot" (the "F" was missing) only to find out that it was our other car behind us. Mrs. B could barely stand, she was laughing so hard because we wouldn't pull over. Maya wins for best quote of the night with "was she [Marissa] dropped on her head as a baby?". Nothing could ever top that beauty. 

We found no armadillos Saturday night either, but we did get to spend even more quality time with Mama B. I'm only going to say don't mess with Texas women. Nothing else. Bedtime, cuddle party #3. Pretty standard.

Sunday morning was bittersweet. We had an amazing homemade breakfast that was beyond unnecessary and then set off to print our tickets and pack up. Goodbyes were awfully hard, at least for me, but I prevailed. Mainly because I intend to visit the B's and Texas again. Our travels home were just fine. After the plane, Michael, Shayna, and I parted ways and I set off for NewYork. This was by far the best part of my summer vacation, and Marissa's family is definitely my favorite bunch of people! I was so moved by their unending hospitality and generosity; I don't think that I can thank them enough. 

There's much more to say, but I'm done writing for a while. Here are some classic pics from the trip. 

 Don't fall asleep next to me on a plane. You will regret it. 

 Boots, on boots, on boots.

 I want this for my house. 

 Chocolates on our pillows! Love Mama B!!

 Only in Texas would he get a road named after him. 

 Hello Dollies! Yum!

 Boot shot glass

 This is actually the name of a town. 

 Texas roads are creatively named. 

Honky tonk time!

To end things off, here are the rest of the pics from my drying process. Come back soon, y'all!

#FAT

Steve's Texas Adventure, with a few other fools 

Part 1: Comprised of Travel Tuesday, Where Are We Wednesday, and Tequila Thursday

After five days in the Lone Star State, I am finally back on New York soil where I belong. Don't misunderstand me, though: I. LOVE. TEXAS. My next few blog posts will go into great detail about my unbelievable travels, and I'm sure that by the end of it you'll love Texas too.


Our saga begins on a stormy Tuesday morning, rain falling in sheets all over Long Island. Normally, a dark and dreary Tuesday would suck the life right out of me (especially since I was up early to head to work), but I couldn't have been any happier. Today was the start of something beautiful. I sauntered into work and utter chaos. My manager was still reeling from the day before when my replacement left for lunch and never came back. To make matters worse, one of the assistants got a wee bit confused and mistook herself for one of the dentists of the practice. Because I was leaving work at noon none of that really mattered to me. Three hours of hard work later (I'm not joking-I worked hard) and I had freedom by the reigns. There is not much to say about my travels. Cab to train station. Train to NYC. Bus to Boston. T to Shayna's stop. Shayna's car to Shayna's house. Simple enough.

Shayna is a lovely individual. She so kindly welcomed me into her house for the night so that I could fly out of Logan with her and Michael the next morning (they were my Texas companions, you may know them as fools). Although Shayna and I agreed on getting to bed early in preparation for our next day of travels, the fates had something else in mind. Distracted by a British comedy (Hot Fuzz), we weren't in bed much before 1:00. When you go to bed at 1:00 a.m., 5:00 a.m. comes really early. Actually, regardless of when you go to bed, 5:00 a.m. comes really early.

Our travels on Wednesday were relatively bland. Other than having our flight delayed roughly thirty minutes due to an "armrest malfunction" (aka "can't watch TV syndrome") everything seemed to go well. Michael even made it to the airport in time (there was some serious doubt in our hearts whether he would remember to set an alarm). A mere four hours later, Texas was upon us.

In Texas, no place is safe from tornadoes. 

We found Marissa waiting for us at baggage claim, looking stunning as always. It is here that our story begins in earnest. I snatched up co-pilot position so I could most effectively control the Texas playlist I had made (without the help of the fools. It's okay, I'm not bitter). Marissa handed me her phone and said I needed to give her directions to get home. This was the start of what could be called "Marissa and the Struggle to Go Anywhere". She's stellar, just not savvy when it comes to navigating.

Waiting our arrival at La Casa Marissa were Mama B (words can't begin to describe how wonderful she is), Maya (Marissa's exceptional younger sister), Sirus (the cutest dog you'll ever meet), Bella (the scariest dog you'll ever meet), and of course sweet tea. [Marissa's dad met us later on for dinner.] Naturally we had to get settled before our touring could truly begin. Part of settling included leafing through Marissa's surplus stock of scrapbooks. I love these books for two main reasons: 1. Marissa writes just like I do, so I feel like I'm just reading a blog post, and 2. her scrapbooks make me feel better about my life.

Well rested and with a buzz from the sweet tea, we scuttled off to Chapps, a burger joint that brings a smile to my face. From this point on the food came on in droves, hence the title of this post. The most notable part of the afternoon was our first trip to Sonic. On Long Island there is one Sonic and it isn't even close to me. After suffering through millions of their commercials for the past twenty yeas and being unable to get some of the good stuff for myself, I was ready to try the real thing. Wow is about all I can muster at the moment.

In keeping with the nature of our Texas adventure and the title of post, I bring you our drinks. When you have a coupon, the largest size is significantly cheaper than the smallest. Enter Texas, where everything (and everyone) is bigger. Sonic forces you to get the largest size not because you are thirsty, but because it was more fiscally sound to super size.

The rest of the day included shopping in various Texas stores and, namely, trying on real boots. Though beyond comfortable, they were a bit out my price range (and would have been absolutely useless up north). We struck pure gold in the LifeWay Christian Goods store. I'm not sure words can adequately paint the picture for you, so I'm just going to give you these snaps. 

 Note the accompanying biblical verse.

Dinner that night was a traditional Texas feast, which essentially is summed up in one word: friedgoodness. Babe's (also known as "That Chicken Shack" by Mrs. B) was eye opening. Things started off with a salad. Being the ignorant, blithering idiot that I am, I assumed that we would be eating a nice and healthy salad before our artery clogging meal. That is almost the case. Almost. A salad it was, however the dressing was a delectable sugar vinaigrette. Almost immediately the food just appeared and kept reappearing until my stomach threatening to explode from a surfeit of Texas meats. Fried chicken, smoked chicken, biscuits, chicken fried steak (what?!), mashed potatoes, green beans cooked with bacon grease, chocolate pie. Everything was so amazingly good that you had to at least try it all. My stomach quakes in fear just remembering that night. What an introduction to the Texas lifestyle. 

That night was simple enough. Straight chillin' with Sirius until bedtime. The highlight of my evening was definitely when I walked into Marissa's room (where Shayna and I were to be sleeping) only to find a little chocolate on my pillow. I just about died right there. As you may have been able to infer from my direct statement, Shayna and I were bed buddies the first night. Marissa took up residence with Maya, and Michael drew the short straw and found himself on the other side of the house in the mother-in-law room (designed to make sure that guests didn't overstay their welcome...). Also, Marissa enlightened us to the mechanics behind  feeling it. All around, pretty educational. 

Thursday morning was fantastic. Shanya, Michael, Marissa, and I left the house earlyish to grab some breakfast tacos before starting our day. Holy Jerusalem they were phenomenal. And cheap. Sooo cheap. After breakfast we headed down to Marissa's old high school to help Maya get acquainted with it, since she is making the plunge into high school life within the next few weeks. 

After a second trip to Sonic was completed we raced down to Fort Worth to continue our day.  Our first stop was the botanical gardens, where I was like a kid in a candy shop. With spectacular specimens everywhere and camera in hand, I didn't stop until we finally left the gardens. Here are some of the beauties I got to marvel at in person. I even stumbled upon a chocolate mint that reminded me of my own little one back home. 

The Texas Boardwalk of the gardens (designed mainly to inspire youngsters to question their environment and pique their interest in nature) asked the important questions. 

Following our soiree with some magical botanical wonders, we headed down to the Fort Worth Stockyards (all the while, I'm navigating for Marisa who is blissfully clueless regarding the directions). Helloo Texas. Complete with a real life cattle drive, a mechanical bull (of which I am champion), and all the Texas shops you could imagine, Fort Worth was totally worth it (ohmygod I need to be stopped). Everything makes more sense (or less sense maybe) once you've seen the following pictures. 

 In Texas, smokers are a must have. For dinner on Thursday, smoked brisket was to be on the menu, however the brisket decided to take the smoker's mantra "low and slow" a little to seriously. The brisket, thrown into the smoker around 1:00 p.m., wasn't ready much before 2:00 a.m. Instead, we had delicious frito pie (I'm not even kidding), jello salad (still not kidding), rice, beans, and homemade peach cobbler. The food never ends in Texas, just like the waistlines. 

After dinner we had the pleasure of watching Marissa attempt to make margaritas. Complete with far too much salt and far too little tequila, Marissa's idea of a good margarita is a bit questionable. Note the excess of salt below. Everything really is bigger in Texas, including the salt rims. 

Bedtime Thursday night was quite the funny matter. We decided to all lay down on Marissa's bed for a while before going to sleep for the night. For some reason, laying down to relax turned into "Push Michael off the Bed 2K13". There were many casualties, including a little Miss Riss and I take full responsibility (even if it wasn't my fault). Ever since I failed at pulling Marissa back onto the bed, our friendship has grown even stronger (you are much better for having overcome adversity). Once we settled down for a second time, our laziness (mostly likely a result of the high levels of grease clogging our blood stream) led to the four of us sharing the bed for the night. Cuddle Party #1 had officially begun as the sun set on Day #2. 

That's all you're going to get for now, even though there are still three more days full of Texas fun to be recounted. As usual here are my garden shots of late. I've begun the process of drying my basil and parsley! If you aren't already hooked on the Texas story (which I'm sure you are because you've made it to the end of this behemoth of a post), you'll have to come back within the next few days to see the second stage of my drying process. Peace, love, plants. 

Take me away from this ball game

Sunday August 4th, 2013:

Here we go again. Apparently, my blog posts will only be a weekly occurrence because I have neither the spare time during the week nor the titillating stories to warrant more frequent entries. If my writing herein seems distracted, know that it is because I am distracted. I'm simultaneously watching season 1 of Game of Thrones and blogging (no small feat, I assure you). This blog post is actually a much needed respite from reading the second book; my eyes are quite weary.

I suppose that I'll start with Game of Thrones, mainly because it is truly a work of art; I refer to both the TV series and the books. I started reading the first behemoth of a novel around mid-July, and since then I have been hooked. My sister recently showed me a nifty trick that got me started watching the HBO show as well. Apparently when you subscribe to HBO, you are entitled to watch pretty much anything the HBO airs whenever you want. It's called HBO Go and in essence it is a Netflix of higher television.

What to even say about the show? Well for starters there is a whole lot of sex/nudity. I'm honestly uncomfortable, sitting here, reclined on my bed with laptop on lap and GoT streaming. Thank the gods that headphones were invented or my parents would seriously be concerned about my life choices. However, there is an abundance of beautiful actors in this series (I'm looking at you, Jon Snow) which makes it even more enjoyable to watch (you go HBO!).

Now onto my life and its activities. I must begin with Friday. First of all, the newest employee at my office (hired a mere three days after I was) gave in her two weeks notice. I guess not everyone is cut out for the grueling and mentally exhausting work of your average dental office. Don't think for a second that I will be giving my notice anytime soon (barring the notice I have to give when I leave for the school year...), I am so unbelievably in love with dentistry and its stunning nuances that I could not imagine any other way to spend forty hours of my week than calling patient after patient to confirm their stupid appointments. Oh, the working world, how beautiful thou art.

Friday night is where the real story lies. My summer pops orchestra had its first concert that night, so after work I spiffed my concert shoes and set out for Riverhead. Naturally, this concert (as well as every other concert we have) was outside. If you know me at all you know that I hate outdoor concerts. They are a string player's bane, and yet every devoted musician finds himself playing outside at some point in time. Suffice it to say, that my bow is significantly worse for the wear thanks to Friday night. The concert itself was an absolute suck fest, for lack of a better word. Music that had not been well enough prepared, subpar musicians (myself included), a setting sun coupled with no source of light, a gusty wind, and mosquitos (oh the mosquitos) made for an unforgettable night. Frankly, I cannot wait for next Saturday when I get to do it all again! -_- [For all my friends out there, I apologize publicly for the surplus of meh faces in my recent texts/messages/snapchats. I'm on a 'meh' kick or something].

So now we arrive at Saturday. I had one objective for the entire day: get a new raincoat. I have gone too long without adequate protection from the elements and I decided enough was enough. Given my need, the mall seemed like the perfect place to head off to. Plus, I needed a new laundry holder (or hamper...) for school and Bed, Bath, and Beyond is right by the mall and they were having a sale (yay college stuff!). Now I don't want to overestimate my abilities, but I don't think it's a stretch to say that I could have been in and out of the mall within an hour, had I been alone. I was not alone. My mother insisted on coming with me (which I obviously didn't mind, even if I had to wait a solid hour and a half for her to finish getting ready). In addition to all of the stores that I went to, frantically searching for the elusive windbreaker, my mother dragged me to a few stores of her liking as well. Yankee. Candle. That's all I'm going to say. It's a tiny store that rarely ever changes merchandise, and yet we managed to spend no less that 45 (forty-five!) minutes there perusing the rows and rows of scented candles. I must say that I was disappointed by their selection (I am quite the candle connoisseur). Disappointed is too soft a word. Disgusted is more appropriate. For a store that purports to sell candles to make your home smell fresh and inviting, they have a lot of repulsive scents. [Man candles. I don't have to say any more.]. They did, however, have cookies and an iced tea of sorts for some special event they were hosting, so the diversion wasn't a total bust. I can happily report that after more than two solid hours walking the mall, I picked out a snazzy new jacket to add to my arsenal of clothing.

Sunday. Today! More than a month ago, my mother and I had a mother-son Blood Drive date (you don't have to say it, I know we're adorable). To incentivize the Blood Drive, free Mets tickets were being given out to all the donors. My mother and I snagged two tickets each because we're troopers and mustered up the courage to do a double unit donation. Needless to say, the tickets were for today's game. What a game it was. The excitement of a baseball game, especially a Mets game, falls somewhere between watching grass grow and watching paint dry. I was going to use "counting grains of sand on a beach", but as a rocks enthusiast I could find some joy in that. By the end of the game, I had probably watched solid fifteen minutes of ball playing. Between an email advertising a sale at the Gap and my fear of heights (we were in the nosebleed section), I found it difficult to pay attention to what was going on. The struggle was real.

I recently got my first peppers from my garden, which were served up in a delectable stir fry courtesy of my wonderful mother. See the beauties below and remain on the edge of your seats for my next post!