A Day in the Life of Your Average Gardener: Where are the armadillos?

Steve's Texas Adventure, With A Few Other Fools

Part 2: Comprised of F'real Friday, Fatterday, and Farewell Breakfast

As promised, herein you will find the conclusion of my Texas travels told in the style of a hero's journey (me being the hero obviously).

As Friday morning came around in good old Arlington, Texas us northerners were reluctant to get up. Marissa's bed is just so cozy. Eventually, we just had to leave the comfort of a warm bed because our stomachs demanded it (just because this entry's title isn't #fat it doesn't mean we didn't want tremendous amounts of food). Because it was already late in the morning we settled on having a nice brunch, consisting mainly of the smoked brisket which had finally finished cooking only 10-15 minutes after we fell asleep the night before. As I have said before, everything is bigger in Texas and brunch is no exception. We had: smoked brisket with special BBQ sauce all the way from Tennessee, corn on the cob, cole slaw, jello salad, corn bread, smoked sausage, fried okra, and baked beans. I made the mistake of saying that I don't like butter on my corn on the cob. Scorned as a heretic by everyone except Shayna (solidarity!) I ate the rest of my brunch in a quiet fear of an attack from those against whom I had sinned.

Promptly after brunch (well, not quite "prompt") we headed out for a day of shopping before the greatness that was to come that night. Before our spree could begin we headed over to Geema's house for a meet and greet. What an adorable, little old lady! She so nicely took us into her house and chatted with us for about 20 minutes. Once we finished talking with Geema, we were off to immerse ourselves in Texas culture. The first stop: Michael's. It was here that we learned about the infamous mums. In Texas when a guy asks a girl to go to homecoming (a pretty big deal in Tejas) he gives her a mum and she reciprocates. Mums are almost indescribable. The bigger they are, the more popular and liked you are (you're also more likely to wind up with back troubles) and everybody wants big because this is Texas. Take a gander at these photos and try to wrap you head around this completely foreign concept.

~~Sometimes~~ Marissa and I are absolutely the cutest.

To get a better understanding of mums and to continue searching for classic souvenirs, we headed off to Hobby Lobby, land of the crafts. The best find by far was a life sized nativity set (you heard me correctly) that was a mere $6,000 and could only be used indoors. I genuinely cannot think of a more practical purchase. Aside from being all around bigger, Texas is also much more religious. All I know is that a life sized nativity set might clutter a house up.

On the subject of religion, we made another great find Friday afternoon. Mormons! These two guys were just casually riding their bikes, all set to spread the word of God. They were also all set to have their picture taken by yours truly.

After a long day of shopping and generally doing nothing, we headed over to the Flying Fish and tried some fried catfish (why not?) and some hush puppies, which surprisingly are not a fish. By this point in time, the maximum capacity of my stomach had been reached so I could only take in about one catfish filet, a hush puppy or two, and a handful of delicious fries. I liked the Flying Fish mainly because it helped me to embrace my inner child by giving out the necessary supplies to color. Ironically enough the animals that we got to color in were of the jungle variety (where were the armadillos?) and included a gorilla and an okapi.

The Flying Fish is big on the details.

Now for the good stuff. It's rodeo time. We headed off to Mesquite, Texas for our first rodeo. Honestly, I'm having a hard time putting the experience into words because it was quite the culture shock. Naturally, a plethora of American songs started the evening off, complete with an inspirational video of "American" things that was comprised mainly of military combat shots. Then the show began. Bucking horses, roping cattle, barrel racing, and bull riding were all featured events and all held everyone's attention. Probably the most scarring moment of the night (at least for me) was the child portion of the show. For the entire first half of the rodeo the announcer kept referring to this "Child Dash", which Marissa led us to believe was a race from one side of the arena to the other. Nope. Bunches of kids, no older than 12, lined up and then chased after a couple of calves with a ribbon on their tail. The first to grab a ribbon was a winner. I still shudder thinking back to that moment. The only thing worse than the child endangerment was the complete nonchalance from the other spectators, notably Marissa. She actually couldn't breathe because she was laughing so hard at us (the northerners).

My favorite part of the evening was listening to the announcer and his politically incorrect quotes. Here's a small sampling of his gems:

"If you came it with a bad attitude, then build a bridge and get over it."
"If you ride with two hands, you're a girl and you're disqualified."
"His daddy was a real bucking horse."
"I'll tell ya, it's a lot more fun going to a dance with a girl than with a boy."
"[In reference to the Oklahoma citizens present] Welcome to Texas. God bless you for finally getting to America."
"The only ugly girl in Texas is a tourist."

Here's the T-shirt than Mama B wanted me to get. I think it really would have matched my eyes, but I unfortunately never got it.

The only thing I wanted to do after the rodeo was see an armadillo. This is Texas, they should be in abundance. Well, those sneaky little bastards evaded my eyes for the entirety of the trip. We even went down to a park to see if we could catch them doing little armadillo things. All we got were two kids sucking face. That is not what I wanted to see, especially after the horrors I had seen at the rodeo just before. Since the park was a total bust, we decided to sit outside at Marissa's house for a while to observe. Out of nowhere the alarm-adillo went off signaling an approaching armadillo. Actually, it was the just the garage beeping because the door was going to close. #disappointed. Once we were satisfactorily unsatisfied on the armadillo front, we headed into bed. This time there was no horsing around. Enter cuddle party #2.

Saturday morning, after some delicious breakfast pastries native to Eastern Europe (what is culture doing in Texas?) we decided to go to Dallas to take a tour of the JFK museum. Before leaving we got to chatting with Mrs. B about any and everything during which time she informed me that it was a shame that I didn't like girls because Marissa and I are perfect for each other. God, don't I already know it. Marissa may very well be my other half, my soul mate, my beard...but unfortunately for me it isn't enough. (Even if gay men are Marissa's ideal type.)

Somehow we made it to Dallas in one piece, even though Marissa seemed less than sure of how to go. Mrs. B actually spent at least 10 minutes trying to explain to Marissa where one highway was. It was borderline pathetic. Anyway, the Sixth Floor museum is really educational and enjoyable and totally worth the entrance fee. Plus, you can get the touristy photos near the famed Grassy Knoll after you leave the museum. The only thing to do after the museum was make a stop at Sonic and try some tater tots. Woah man they were good.

After some JFK and tots we went to Fort Worth for some Tex Mex food and a night at the world's largest honky tonk (these are not the same place). Dinner, like every meal in Texas, was amazing. We barely made a dent in the dishes with our seven people, but we found out that a 'normal' Texan family could easily wolf down what we had eaten and then some (#fat). It was at dinner that Marissa explained the wonder that is Fatterday. On some Saturdays, you just don't move and eat everything. Though it sounds like quite the lazy day, there is a good deal of planning that goes into it. All movements must be minimized on Fatterday so you must ensure that all the food you could possibly want is purchased/made and within arm's reach. I look forward to embracing this tradition with Marissa frequently next year.

Billy Bob's, the honky tonk. I'm still not sure what exactly a honky tonk is. All I know is that there was smoking, alcohol, a country concert, bull riding, and ladies who enjoyed yelling "Yeehaww". If I thought the rodeo was hard to describe, the honky tonk is impossible. I did find the "Red Neck Margarita Glass" which consists of a mason jar on a stem. I am unable to even.

On the way home from our night at Billy Bob's, we ran into a hilarious situation. Due to the amount of people in our group, we were broken up into two cars (the BC gang in one, and Mama B and Maya in the other ). We got separated leaving Billy Bob's because is too nice a driver, so I looked up directions on my own. Remember, Marissa is directionally challenged. Suddenly, there was a car behind us beeping like crazy. Being in unknown terrain I told Marissa not to pull over. Who knows what crazy people lurk in Texas? We ended up pulling into the parking lot of a "ood Lot" (the "F" was missing) only to find out that it was our other car behind us. Mrs. B could barely stand, she was laughing so hard because we wouldn't pull over. Maya wins for best quote of the night with "was she [Marissa] dropped on her head as a baby?". Nothing could ever top that beauty.

We found no armadillos Saturday night either, but we did get to spend even more quality time with Mama B. I'm only going to say don't mess with Texas women. Nothing else. Bedtime, cuddle party #3. Pretty standard.

Sunday morning was bittersweet. We had an amazing homemade breakfast that was beyond unnecessary and then set off to print our tickets and pack up. Goodbyes were awfully hard, at least for me, but I prevailed. Mainly because I intend to visit the B's and Texas again. Our travels home were just fine. After the plane, Michael, Shayna, and I parted ways and I set off for NewYork. This was by far the best part of my summer vacation, and Marissa's family is definitely my favorite bunch of people! I was so moved by their unending hospitality and generosity; I don't think that I can thank them enough.

There's much more to say, but I'm done writing for a while. Here are some classic pics from the trip.